Freedom From Yourself
Part II
Anger & Relationships
By Dick Sutphen

Your neurotic fears keep you from “wholeness” because they have not been integrated on a soul level. They are delusions manifesting as painful karma.

“Your earthly purpose is to rise above the fear-based emotions that keep you earthbound on the endless wheel of reincarnation. The fears are only delusions, for as you learn to act with unconditional love and become aware of your spiritual center, the fears will cease to exist. Your earthly purpose can be simplified down to just four words: ‘Cast away your delusions.’”

I’ve made that statement in most of my seminars, over the years. But to be more accurate, I should say, “Your earthly purpose is to integrate the neurotic fears that keep you earthbound.” Examples of neurotic fears: fear of intimacy, loss, abandonment, failure, success, loneliness, and power. Plus the basic fear-based emotions such as prejudice, anger, selfishness, jealousy, hate, repression, envy, greed, possessiveness, guilt, and the list goes on and on and on.

To run from a bear in the woods, to avoid the wrong part of town at night, or to refrain from addictive drugs are fears based upon real dangers.

By contrast, neurotic fears are based on issues you have failed to integrate on a soul level, which keep you from experiencing “wholeness.” Example: If you are prejudiced toward East Indians, they somehow represent a subjective threat. When an East Indian couple moves next door, at first you are upset and reticent about contact. But there is no way to avoid occasional meetings as you come and go, water the lawn, pick up your mail. In time, you grow to like your new neighbors, and they become friends. The fear is integrated -- replaced by a greater potential to enjoy life -- and you are one step closer to wholeness.

Using the above example, it would also be accurate to say unconditional love resolved the fear -- love let in what fear shut out. Unconditional love is the acceptance of others without expectations, judgment or blame. Beneath all our fears, we are unconditional love.

It follows that your current problems are rooted in one or more fear-based emotions. The fears go back to unintegrated issues, and they are your karma -- the soul lessons you’ve reincarnated to learn.

Negative Aliveness

Aliveness is the excitement you experience in doing what you do -- the exhilaration, challenge, joy, stimulation and pleasure that makes life worth living. According to the physicists, human beings are “energy,” and aliveness is essential to keep our energy in play. But when people don’t experience enough positive aliveness, the subconscious mind draws upon neurotic fears to generate negative aliveness, which makes life interesting again.

* * * * *

Joyce

“My primary fear is that my husband will have an affair and maybe leave me,” Joyce said. She was in her mid-to-late thirties, attractive and casually dressed. Holding the microphone, she wound her long brunette hair around the index finger of her free hand.

“Do you know the cause of the fear?” I said.

Joyce shrugged, met my eyes. “We see a lot of people socially. Every time Luke meets an attractive woman, I think, ‘this is the one.’”

“And how does this fear manifest in your life?”

“Manifest? You mean arguments?”

I nodded.

“Well, when I voice my fears, he gets mad. He says I don’t trust him, that I’m holding his one affair against him. Five years ago he had a fling at a convention in Toronto.”

“And he told you about it?”

Nod, “All about it. I was upset, but at the same time I ...” Her eyes dropped.

“Felt excitement?”

Nod.

“Negative aliveness. What you fear also thrills you, causing a surge of adrenaline. This kind of excitement can be addictive, resulting in behavior that incites the fear. Tell me about your fights.”

Joyce’s eyes looked up and to the left, indicating she was accessing memories. “Last week we attended a show opening at a Santa Monica art gallery. We were introduced to a lot of people, and Luke was a little too responsive to a blonde wearing skin-tight leathers.”

Joyce lowered the microphone, tapped it a couple of times, took a deep breath, then said, “On the way home, I told him it bothered me. He was shocked at my reaction.”

“Can you recall your dialogue with Luke?”

“I asked him what he would have liked to do to the blonde. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I said, ‘Well, that’s not true, you’re a man. Any man would like to have sex with a woman like that.’ And he said, ‘Sure, but he wouldn’t, because he loved me.’ And I said, ‘What if you had my permission, then what?’” She paused.

I waited.

“So he told me and I got upset. But when we got home, we made passionate love.” She looked away at some of the other participants, then back to me. “Maybe it has become addictive, because I can see the pattern.”

“Anger followed by an adrenaline rush. Then, a week or two weeks or a month later, you do it again to attain another shot of adrenaline?” I said.

“Wow, yeah.”

“And behind it is the fear of abandonment.”

“I viewed it as possessiveness,” Joyce said.

“And to further complicate matters, you’re probably still angry at Luke for having the affair and angry at him for having the power to fuel your fear.”

“I have a right to be angry.”

“People only get angry when they don’t get what they want, Joyce. In your case you wanted your husband to be faithful, to control his actions.”

“I don’t think it’s as simple as not getting what I wanted,” she said, irritated.

“It’s that simple, but there are three steps. 1) Luke had an affair; 2) You believe he betrayed you; 3) You got angry. Step two, the expectations resulting from your beliefs, set up the effect.”

Joyce didn’t respond.

“Do you believe he betrayed you?”

Nod.

“What else do you believe about what he did?”

“I believe he put my feelings second and that it was a real slap in the face. But I guess betrayal sums it up pretty well.”

“Can you recall a time in your past when someone else betrayed you?”

Joyce lowered the microphone, stared at the floor, then finally met my eyes and shook her head.

“Would you like to explore it with regression?”

“If you think there’s value in it.”

NOTE: Participants in some seminars are conditioned to respond instantly to an altered-state suggestion. This allows me to individually regress participants quickly into their past, either back to an earlier time in this life or to a previous incarnation. A support team member assists in the process and the participant is usually regressed standing up.

I touched Joyce on the forehead, activating the post-programming suggestion, counted her down into the altered state and gave her the following suggestion:

“You are going to go back into your past to a time you were betrayed, if such a situation actually transpired. On the count of three you’ll be there. One, two, three. Tell me what you see and what you’re doing.”

Joyce’s face contorted; she looked like a sad little girl. She hesitated, then in a child’s voice, yelled, “My daddy lied. HE LIED!” She started to cry.

“Tell me what happened.”

“My daddy promised he would come to my Christmas program, but he didn’t come. And he doesn’t come home anymore either.” Crying.

“What’s your name?” (A question to make sure the current lifetime was being explored.)

“Joyce.”

“Why doesn’t daddy come home anymore, Joyce?”

“He fights with mama all the time, and now he doesn’t come home.”

“And what would you like to say to your daddy right now, if you could? You don’t have to worry about being punished for it. What would you really like to say?”

Joyce sniffled, scowled, then screamed, “I HATE YOU, DADDY. I HATE YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO MY CHRISTMAS PROGRAM, AND YOU SHOULD COME HOME. I WISH YOU’D DIE. I HATE YOU.” Sobbing.

The female support team member put her arm around Joyce, supporting her.

“Is there anything else you want to say to your daddy, Joyce?”

Sobbing. “But I really love my daddy too.”

“I know you do. When mothers and fathers don’t get along, it isn’t anyone’s fault. The relationship just isn’t working. There may have been a valid reason why your father didn’t come to your program and why he separated from your mother. Do you think you can find it in your heart to forgive him?”

There was a long silence. Joyce stood with her head bowed, deep in trance. Finally, she nodded.

“Then tell him you forgive him, Joyce.”

“I forgive you, Daddy. I love you.”

“I couldn’t hear you Joyce.”

“I forgive you, Daddy. I really do.”

“I still couldn’t hear you, Joyce.”

Yelling. “I FORGIVE YOU, DADDY. I LOVE YOU AND I FORGIVE YOU.”

“All right, let’s come back to the present time, Joyce. You’re leaving the past. On the count of three, you’ll be back in the present, remaining in a deep altered state of consciousness, but back in the present. One, two, three. And now, Joyce, before I awaken you ... I’d like you to forgive Luke for having an affair, if you can find it in your heart to do so.”

After a long hesitation, she said, “I forgive you, Luke. I wish you hadn’t done it, but you came back to me and I know you love me, and I forgive you.”

After awakening Joyce, I asked if she felt better.

“Much better, like a weight has been lifted.”

“You probably never mourned the childhood betrayal, which added fuel to Luke’s actions.”

“I don’t think I could have recalled that situation on my own, and if I had, I wouldn’t have given it any power,” she said, shaking her head. “Mom and dad separated for several months when I was about seven, but they got back together and are still together.”

“You still need to integrate the fear of abandonment. The first step in resolving a fear is to identify it -- to stop denying it. You’ve done that. Your fear is being fed by the belief that Luke might have another affair and leave you. This is a potential, but it’s probably a faulty belief that is keeping you from confronting the fear. How else could you confront the fear?”

Joyce hesitated, then said, “Trust my husband. Don’t ask for reassurance.”

“Good place to start. Your asking for reassurance gives him power. I don’t think we ever get rid of fears, but we can integrate our fears by choosing how we view them or by deprogramming them.”

“Deprogramming them?” Joyce said.

“You are not your fears, not your thoughts. Accept that your thoughts are not reality. The next time you find yourself fearful about Luke, just become an observer of your thought processes. The more you do this, the faster you will desensitize the fear and the less it will affect you. Life seems to get better in direct proportion to our ability to increase harmony and decrease disharmony.

“So when I see Luke flirting with a blonde, I just observe my reactions?”

“Observe your inner dialogue: ‘Well, there’s Joyce being possessive of her husband again. Luke is enjoying the company of another woman. It doesn’t mean he’s gong to sleep with her. Joyce assumes he’s got better taste than to do that.’ You get the idea. You’re not Joyce, you’re the observer observing Joyce’s issue. The thoughts aren’t you, they are the result of old programming. The technique can help you attain clarity and accelerate the integration process.”

“Anything else?” Joyce asked.

“Regular mind programming with hypnosis CDs or do-it-yourself, self-hypnosis. And you can apply the ‘mirror’ to any situation. It says, ‘that which bothers you in someone else is something you recognize in yourself.’ In other words, what you fear Luke doing is what you desire to do yourself. Would you like to have an affair, Joyce?”

“No!” she scowled at me.

I waited without responding.

Joyce looked away, rolled the microphone, adjusted her blouse. “Well, sometimes I fantasize about it.”

“Would it be to get even or to enjoy the attention of another man?”

Joyce started to answer, then stopped. Shrugging, she said, “I don’t know. I’m no longer upset about Luke doing what he did, but I’m really tired of being afraid he’ll do it again and maybe leave me.”

“Joyce, unless you integrate your fear, it has the potential to destroy your marriage.”

Nodding, she said, “If I had an affair, Luke might leave me.”

“Or you might fall in love with your new lover and leave Luke.” I paused. “An affair doesn’t sound like a very good idea if you love Luke.”

“I love him very much. We’ve been together nine years and have two beautiful children.”

“So why not do everything you can to integrate the fear and free yourself from yourself?”

She nodded, smiled, counted on her fingers. “1. Forgiveness; 2. BE an observer; 3. Trust my husband in vulnerable situation; 4. Don’t ask for reassurances; 5. Mind programming.”

“Each time you trust your husband, you’ll realize that you’ve survived and become a little stronger.”

“Thanks,” she said, handing the microphone back to a support team member.

_______________________________

Additional Notes On Anger

Active anger is expressed directly to the source of the problem. Passive anger is expressed by punishing someone without confronting them. Consciously unexpressed anger is withheld because we feel it is in our best interest -- maybe to be polite or to avoid a confrontation. The result is resentment and repression, which will eventually erupt in an undesirable way (misdirected anger, ulcers, skin rashes, or in time, major health problems). Unconsciously repressed anger is turned inward, which becomes depression.

The 3-Step Anger Formula mentioned in the dialogue with Joyce works like this: 1. The event; 2. Your belief/expectations about the event; 3. Your reaction as a result of your expectations.

Step 2 will relate to your beliefs about why you should have gotten what you wanted -- approval or control. The beliefs will always be “expectations.” The anger results from your expectations being in conflict with “what is” (reality -- things you cannot change). Regression therapy is a powerful technique to explore the source of the belief, or a related, unmourned incident from your past as in Joyce’s case.

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NOTE: The above relationship dialogue was originally printed in Winners magazine, issue 58.

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FREEDOM FROM YOURSELF
Part III
Sex & Relationships