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Freedom From Yourself Life becomes unnecessarily difficult when you attempt to transform what is, into what you want it to be. Karen Karen almost held up her hand. She was forcing herself to ask a question but doing it timidly, hoping that I wouldn’t see her. When I called upon her, she stood up and quietly asked, “Is possessiveness considered one of the fears that must be overcome?” “Are you possessive of your husband?” I asked. She nodded. “Well, we’re possessive because we’re insecure, and it isn’t logical. Why are we insecure? Because we don’t believe we will have enough. Enough what? Enough love, enough sex, enough time, enough control, enough exclusive attention ... or maybe we’re afraid the relationship won’t last forever. We feel something is missing or impermanent, and we don’t always even know what it is, or why we feel what we feel. But we grab harder to assure nothing else is lost.” “That’s just about it,” Karen said. “I don’t know why I fight it so much!” “It could be programming from a past life, Karen. Maybe the two of you have been together before. Or it could be any of thousands of other reasons. Throughout our lives, we are always moving from the known to the unknown. This makes us insecure, and we fight it. We resist insecurity, but to no avail. People and circumstances will always change.” I paused, then continued. “But let’s look at that. What if you could attain total security? Think about it. Anyone with any sense of adventure, any drive or imagination would soon become bored. Your life would become mundane. There would be no challenge in your relationships or in your life ... no aliveness. Think back on your own relationships and those you have observed. When there is no challenge and no aliveness in a relationship, it goes flat. There is no energy and soon you couldn’t care less if the relationship lasted or not.” “Then it’s a double bind,” she said. “Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.” “Right,” I admitted. “You’re possessive because you’re insecure and don’t want to lose the relationship. But if you were totally secure, there would be no challenge or aliveness, so you’d probably grow tired of the relationship. So your fearful emotions aren’t even logical.” Karen thought for a while before saying, “Well, what if I said I’m jealous of my husband? There are differences between possessiveness and jealousy.” “Sure. When you’re jealous of your husband, you’re excessively concerned that he is not as committed to the relationship as you want him to be. In being jealous, your viewpoint is one of being incomplete. For some reason, you think that only through the relationship with him can you be complete. But stop, step back and look at that. You have to realize it isn’t logical. If you aren’t complete without your husband, the relationship can’t make you complete. Excessively jealous people often feel that they won’t be able to survive without the other person. And that isn’t any more logical than the first point I made. On a logical note, your jealousy could drive your husband away because jealousy is always hostility with a mask.” “Oh, boy!” Karen said, sitting down.
Rosemary “Aren’t you overlooking something?” Rosemary asked, with noticeable anger in her voice. “Maybe Karen has a damned good reason to be jealous and possessive of her husband. Maybe her husband, like mine, can’t be trusted out of her sight.” “You can’t change other people. It never works. Oh sure, you can tell your husband, ‘If you don’t change, I’m going to leave.’ And the threat might even work for a while. But then he’d be repressing what he really wants to do, and eventually the repression will erupt, maybe in an even less desirable way.” “Oh great! I can look forward to living like this for the rest of my life. I came here to find answers on how to make it work, not to hear that,” she snapped. “I don’t have anyone else’s answers, Rosemary. What I can do is create the space for you to find your own answers. You need to be aware that you cannot change others, so you might as well accept them as they are, if you choose to remain in the environment. I take it you want to stay with your husband. But what if things remain the same between the two of you for another ten years. Would you stay?” “No way.” “What about five years?” “No!” she said. “Two years?” Rosemary looked away, thinking for a moment. “Uh huh. I’d stay two more years.” “All right, now we’re getting somewhere. Your marriage is terminal unless he changes within two years. Do you really think he’ll change?” “I doubt it. He’ll probably be an old man before he stops chasing around,” she said sadly. “What if you were to change, Rosemary? You can’t change your husband, but you can change yourself and then he’d be reacting to a new person within you. He might change because he wanted to.” “Do you mean be nicer to him, or be more sexy, or something like that?” “I don’t know how you might change, because I don’t know the inner workings of your relationship. But what about that? What if you were nicer and sexier?” “No. It isn’t that we don’t get along. We get along fine most of the time. And our sex life is great. It’s just that he likes variety, which I can’t provide.” “Okay. Let’s look at it from another viewpoint. Your husband’s affairs are fulfilling some psychological need in him. Would he be open to exploring his own insecurities in a seminar like this or with a psychologist or psychiatrist?” “You don’t know how funny that question is, Richard. Absolutely not. Without going into details, absolutely not.” “Well, then, that’s what is. What is, is your husband is a man who likes to chase around and have affairs with other women, and afterwards he comes back to you. And what is, is he probably isn’t going to change in the near future. And what is, is you’re going to stick around for another two years. So, my advice to you is to accept him the way he is as perfect.” “What?” Rosemary screamed. “In accepting what is, you can find some peace. Don’t be blind to the logic. It isn’t logical to upset yourself when there’s no value in doing so. The upset will only result in more anger and more negative subconscious programming. It will only make matters worse. “Think about it, Rosemary,” I continued. “Since you can’t change him, unless you can come up with some other creative solution, you might as well give him the freedom to be what he is.” “What do you mean by ‘some other creative solution?” she said. “In all my years of working with people, I’ve seen and heard about some pretty unusual arrangements that work for those involved. Open arrangements, polyfidelity (group marriage), consensual non-monogamy, triads, a ménage a trois. There are as many potential arrangements as there are people.” “We’ve discussed that, and we even tried something once, but I have no desire for further experimentation in that area,” she said. “All right, then you really have limited choices. You can choose to remain in the environment or leave. Right?” “Right.” “And you can choose to resist what your husband is or accept him as he is. If you’ll accept him as he is, then let go of your anger, resentments, hostility and blame. Unless you let go of the negative emotions, you’ll still be resisting him.” I paused, met her eyes. “If you truly accept him as he is, you accept him as being perfect. Got it?” “Some choices.” She bit her lower lip. “There’s no way I’ll ever see him as perfect.” “Then how about replacing ‘perfect’ with ‘acceptable as he is’? In so doing, you integrate the fear-based anger and life will get better.” Rosemary gave me an exasperated look and sat down to think about it.
Joan “I think it is ridiculous to say that someone is acceptable as they are when they are behaving badly,” Joan said, holding the hand of her husband, Dave, who remained seated beside her. She was in her late thirties with short hair, dressed in a conservative pantsuit. “Then you missed the logic of what I just shared,” I said. “No, I didn’t!” she responded. “I just cannot imagine sitting back and accepting adulterous behavior.” “Rosemary is free to leave,” I said. “Since she doesn’t want to do that, she is then free to resist or not resist her husband. Her resistance will program her subconscious negatively, resulting in future negativity that will have to come out. Is that what you advocate?” “Yes, her husband is wrong!” “So, even if you make your own life more miserable, you’d choose anger and hostility?” “Yes, as a matter of pride,” she said, glancing down at Dave, who was quick to nod his approval. “Pride is responsible for more misery than any other emotion. When you say pride, you mean standing up for what is ‘right.’ And the usual result is you get to be right and you lose the game. You’re certainly not alone in your opinion. It’s the choice most people make every day. And it certainly isn’t unconditional love.” “What’s wrong is wrong!” Joan said, raising her chin a little higher. Dave nodded, this time all on his own. “What’s wrong is wrong to you, Joan and Dave ... and is not necessarily what is wrong to me.” I replied. “Well, if you’re going to put yourself above society ...” Joan began. “JOAN! Get off it! Are you and Jerry Falwell here on earth to tell us what is right and wrong?” Joan was obviously furious, and Dave was wishing he could crawl under the chair. “Don’t put me in the same category with Jerry Falwell,” she sputtered. I just looked at her for several seconds without saying a word. She sat down and looked at Dave, who wasn’t looking at anyone. “Joan, I’m talking to you, and everyone else in this room. There are no such things as right and wrong, moral and immoral, ethical and unethical. A group of people agree upon terminology and maybe they agree to call a particular action right. That doesn’t make it right. That only makes it what one group of people calls right. It certainly doesn’t change what it actually is. Concepts of right and wrong have swung like a pendulum throughout history and they change, depending upon when and where you live. In some countries, eating cattle is the ultimate immorality. In other countries, the word ‘rape’ is not a part of the language, or even a concept, for men assume the right to take women by force whenever they want to. In several areas of the world, open sexuality is encouraged. Right, wrong, moral, and immoral are all concepts which exist only by agreement of a group of people. “Living in a society, we must be willing to accept the consequences of our actions regarding the laws of that society,” I continued. “Yet most of the conflicts with the opinions of other people are not legal issues. So, it may be ill advised to allow what other people think to cause you to repress what you really are.” “But sin is sin!” Joan interrupted. “It’s against God, and you’re sounding more like the devil every minute.” “I am whatever you think I am, Joan. I couldn’t be anything else to you. Again, that’s just basic logic.” “You’re just a ... a ... liberal!” Dave sputtered, without standing. “I believe in liberalism but not in the devil, and what I am to you is what is for you. Bet let’s get back to sin ... awful SIN. Do you know the original definition of the word ‘sin’? It meant ‘missing the mark.’ Sounds to me almost like generating disharmonious karma. You missed it this time, but you might get it right next time. “The organized religions and churches have created sin as you think of it. Did you know that in twelfth-century England, thinking about sex was considered a sin, even if you were married? How about that, Joan and Dave? The missionary position was the only acceptable coital position, and only for the purpose of begetting children. Sex was forbidden on Sundays, Wednesdays, Fridays and for forty days before Christmas or Easter. “In England, from A.D. 800 to A.D. 1000, celibacy was considered unhealthy and prostitution was whole-heartedly supported by the populace and the authorities. At this time, public nudity was accepted at beaches and women were free to take lovers regardless of their marital status. “In ancient Sparta, the public nudity of both young men and women was encouraged. Young people experienced sexual freedom before marriage, as celibacy was considered a crime. It was also acceptable for older men to loan their wives to relatives or friends for the purpose of bearing a child if the combination might result in a superior human specimen. “In Greece, homosexuality was not only acceptable but was regarded as the highest form of love. The courtesans of Greece received more education, freedom and respect than other women of their time. “I could go on and on, Joan and Dave. I’ve been exploring this idea of sin for a long time and I have to bring it all down to harmonious or disharmonious karma.” “Thou shalt not commit adultery!” Joan said loudly. “That is a sin and none of your fancy words or rationalizations can make it into anything else.” “Well, the subject is covered under the second pillar of dharma in Buddhist teachings. It is one of the points in the field of purifying action, and is interpreted as refraining from those actions of sensuality which cause pain and harm to others, or turbulence or disturbance in ourselves. “If you were to explore the Six Paramitas of the Bodhisattva (A.D. 400-500) you would find adultery is one of the precepts. And it is explained as meaning that the person having sex with another must consider his own happiness, that of his companion and of the third person who will be most affected by his action. If these three people can be satisfied, then the sex act comes under natural law and is completely acceptable. “Your thinking is restrictive, Joan.” “It is not restrictive! It is moral and spiritual,” she replied, standing once again. “Obviously, this a gathering of heathens!” “Heathens? Joan, how about doing a quick regression? Are you open to explore why you feel so strongly about this subject?” She hesitated, looking at Dave, who was fixedly contemplating the design in the carpet. “Come on out to the aisle, Joan,” I said. She complied. NOTE: Participants are conditioned in the beginning of the seminar to respond instantly to an altered-state suggestions. This allows me to individually regress participants quickly into their past, either in this life or a previous life. A support-team member assists in the process and the participant is often regressed standing up. In this situation, I touched Joan on the forehead, activating the post-programming suggestion, counted her down into the altered state and gave her suggestions. “All right, Joan, you have very strong feelings about morality, right and wrong, and sexual misconduct. So, I want you to go back into your past to find the cause of these feelings. Everything we feel strongly about relates back to an event or series of events that transpired in the past ... the past in this life, or in a previous incarnation. And now, I’m going to count backwards from five to one, and on the count of one, strong impressions will come in into your mind ... impressions relating to your feelings about morality and sexual misconduct. You are going back to the cause of these feelings ... number five ... number four ... number three ... number two ... number one. You are now there and the impressions are beginning to form. Please speak up and tell me what you perceive. What is happening?” “I’m just watching this man who is dressed like medieval England or Europe. He’s very sad. Very upset. Maybe ... I can’t tell if he’s sad or mad. I guess both.” “Is the man you?” I asked. “Ah ... I don’t know ... yes, I think it is. A man, my God, a man!” she said, amused and astonished at the same time. “Why is he sad?” “I don’t know,” she replied. “But he seems angrier now, he is throwing things ... kitchen things.” “Yes, you do know why he is mad, and I want you to move backward in time, just far enough to find out what happened. On the count of three, you’ll be there and vivid impressions will begin to come in. One, two, three.” “Oh, he has just found out that his wife has left him. (brief pause) Yes, my wife has gone off with another man ... the man who worked in the bakery.” (Joan began to swear, exhibiting extreme agitation.) “All right, let go of this. Let’s move on to a time a few weeks after your wife left you. On the count of three, you’ll be there. One, two, three.” “Bitter, I’m very bitter. I hate her! She ruined my life, ruined everything. Ruined, ruined, ruined.” “What did you do to cause her to leave you?” I asked. “Absolutely nothing. I was a good provider, she did as she was told, and we got along well.” “She did as she was told? What did you tell her to do?” “Everything! Everything! It’s a husband’s right,” she said in an angry tone (Obviously, as the regression continued, Joan had moved from the position of observing to reliving the situation.) “Is it the custom of your time? Do all husbands tell their wives what to do?” “No, but I do, and my father always told my mother what to do. You need order in life. Without order, what do you have?” I continued to ask questions, and her answers provided me with the picture of an intolerant man who had driven his wife away and refused to accept any responsibility for his actions. He spent the rest of his life in bitterness, blaming her immorality for his misery. Before awakening Joan, I instructed her to move into her Higher-Self for an overview of the past lifetime. “Do you know the entity who was your wife in the past life in your current life?” I asked. “Yes!” she replied. “Who is it?” “Dave.” I glanced over at Dave. His eyes fixed steadily on the carpet, he slowly nodded his head affirmatively.
Neal “What do you think about Joan’s experience?” I asked the group. Neal put up his hand, and when recognized, asked, “What is the value in her knowing all that?” “Joan’s conscious and subconscious minds have been out of alignment, causing her to be very judgmental. Her past experiences have generated fears that have blocked her from expressing unconditional love. Understanding your fears is a way to begin rising above them.” Neal seemed to ponder the answer for a moment. He was in his early twenties, and dressed in a sweater and jeans. “What are other ways to rise above your fear?” he asked. “Well, to begin with, you must realize that every problem is rooted in fear. Most of the powerful new therapies do not believe in mental illness, but contend that unhappy and neurotic people are not satisfying their needs and have developed negative patterns of thinking and acting. This results in anguish and suffering for them, and usually for those close to them. “There is no way to heal a mind, so medical therapy does not relate. What is needed is an understanding of the fears behind the negative thoughts and actions, and an understanding of the individual’s needs. This is followed by re-education, which is learning the skill of choosing wisely between behavior that will result in harmony, opposed to behavior which will result in disharmony. Basically, this is the ability to reason. “So, if your life isn’t working; if you have symptoms such as depression, anxiety, phobias, and stomach ulcers; if you drink or do drugs to escape; if you’re experiencing guilt, repression, jealousy, possessiveness, hatred, anger, tension, greed, inhibition, stress, envy or paranoia ... you are experiencing irrational fears and your essential needs are not being fulfilled. The list of symptoms is endless, but whatever they are, you can help yourself to resolve them.” “But what about Joan? Her problem went back to a past life,” Neal asked. “The past life may have been the cause, but the need relates to love,” I said. “All human beings have the same physiological and psychological needs, but we vary in our ability to fulfill them. Psychiatry is concerned with two basic psychological needs: 1. the need to love and be loved, and 2. the need to feel worthwhile to ourselves and to others. “Regarding the need to love, you must be involved with other people -- one person at a very minimum. We all must have one person who loves us and whom we love. If we don’t have this critical person in our life, we will not be able to fulfill our basic needs, and mental symptoms will result. “Regarding the need to feel worthwhile to yourself and others, you must maintain a satisfactory standard of behavior. This means that you must correct yourself when you’re wrong. If your conduct is below your standard, you must correct it or you will suffer, just as if you had no one to love and to love you. “This why much of this seminar is about exploring your fears and working to remove the blocks to your expression of unconditional love. It is also about exploring your behavior to decide if it is disharmonious and if you need to change it. “I encourage immediate changes in behavior, which will quickly lead to a change in attitude, which can lead to fulfilling your needs. You don’t have to change how you feel about something to affect it if you’re willing to change what you’re doing. Change begins with action. The root meaning of the word karma is action. And wisdom erases karma. “And remember what I said earlier: Nothing about ourselves can be changed until it is first recognized and accepted. So, to recognize what you really are behind all your masks, you must ask yourself a lot of questions. Answers are never difficult if you stop avoiding the questions you need to ask yourself. So, in regard to any fear area, there are four questions: 1. What is the real fear? 2. What needs do I have that are not being met? 3. What am I doing that creates disharmony? 4. How can I change my behavior to create more harmony?” “Okay, what about resistance?” Neal asked. “Back when you were talking about resisting what is, I realized that I resist my boss something terrible. I mean, everything he says just grates on me. I dwell on it. I just hate him for some reason and I don’t even know why.” “All right, Neal, close your eyes and just trust the first thoughts that come into your mind. What is the real fear behind your resistance to your boss?” “I don’t know,” he immediately replied. “Yes, you do, Neal, and you’re not playing the game. Just trust the thoughts that come in.” “That he’ll win!” Neal blurted out, loudly. “What does that mean?” I asked. “Well, he’s just so damned smug. He’s such a know-it-all, always looking down his nose at me. If I didn’t do something, he would think that he is superior! And he isn’t -- he’s an idiot!” “So you fear you’ll lose because you didn’t get to be right, and get to be superior to him?” Neal grimaced at the way I viewed his response. “All right, Neal, second question: What needs do you have that are not being met?” “Ah, I’d like some respect for my abilities. All I ever get from him is disapproval.” “Neal, any time you or anyone else gets upset with anyone about anything, your expectations are in conflict with what is. You have expectations of approval or control, and when these expectations aren’t fulfilled, you get upset. You want to attain your boss’s approval or control, and when these expectations aren’t fulfilled, you get upset. Neither approval or control are your right. And what is, is that your boss is a superior acting know-it-all! Okay, third question: What are you doing that creates disharmony?” “I verbally cut at him whenever I can, in areas that don’t contradict his authority. I keep it personal, that way he can’t get me fired for my attitude toward my work,” he said, with obvious pride. “Okay, Neal, last question: How can you change your behavior to create more harmony?” “Well, I guess I could let him be right and just do my job. I could just accept that he is what he is. From what I’ve heard in here. I’m just making it worse by resisting because I’m programming my subconscious negatively.” “What about that?” I asked. “Well, I guess it isn’t logical to make things worse for yourself. It’s kinda dumb, too.” Turning to the rest of the participants, I said, “So the idea here is conscious detachment based upon awareness ... based upon wisdom. And I contend that once Neal changes his behavior, he will soon change how he feels about his work relationship. He may not ever like his boss, but his boss will cease to be an issue. Remember, a change in behavior will quickly lead to a change in attitude. You don’t have to change how you feel about something to affect it if you’re willing to change what you’re doing.”
Seminar talk “Sadly, although we have the ability to learn through love and wisdom, we usually choose to learn through pain. This is what karma is all about. If you get punched in the nose every time you walk through a yellow door, eventually (if you have any sense) you will stop walking through yellow doors. If you burn your finger every time you touch a hot stove, eventually you will learn to avoid hot stoves. If you make yourself miserable for years (or lifetimes) when other people don’t live up to your expectations, eventually you will learn it is your expectations -- not other people -- that are making you miserable. When your expectations are in conflict with what is (reality), you resist what is and get upset. Buddha summed up the cause of all suffering when he said, ‘It is your resistance to what is that causes your suffering.’” NOTE: The relationship dialogues in Part III are from the book Enlightenment Transcripts by Dick Sutphen. (Click on “Valley of the Sun.” Go to Books: B923--$3.95) |