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Radical Sexuality In response to the fervor over President Clinton’s sex life, we’re posting this chapter from Dick’s book Radical Spirituality (Valley of the Sun, 1995). The book can be ordered from Valley of the Sun Publishing and more excerpts are available at that site. CHAPTER 9 "Nearly half of the people who read my magazine and attend my seminars are single; many are looking for and not finding the right mate. Others are unhappily married. Then consider the divorce rate and the number of singleparents. Relationships and family units are destined to take many different forms as we move into the next century." Your best "mirrors" for learning to respond to life harmoniously are your relationships with family, friends, in-laws, co-workers ... and especially your lovers, because sex always generates complex issues and emotional peaks and valleys to test your awareness. The opportunities are endless -- from fear-based emotions, such as insecurity and petty expectations, to potentials such as trust and commitment. * * * * * "I want a twin-flame soulmate relationship!" I've heard this a thousand times in seminars, and I've read it over and over in letters. "I want a warm, loving, sexually satisfying, one-on-one relationship that allows us both to grow and evolve," they say. And judging by the number of people expressing this goal, it is the ideal of metaphysically oriented people. The problem is, only a tiny percentage of the population experiences such a relationship. "Those who find their soulmates are being karmically rewarded," I'm told. "They're lucky!" Maybe. But there is one factor common to people sharing soulmate relationships: they tend to be self-actualized. Maybe, because of their awareness, they are manifesting more successful relationships. My research shows that lovers are all experiencing a predestined soulmate relationship: "Karmic Companions" are two people destined to form a union to confront unlearned lessons from past lives. "Dharmic-Bond Soulmates" share a goal. "Twin-flame (or counterpart) soulmates" have ideal relationships and are together to work on other things. To experience the twin-flame ideal, maybe you have to view life from a more self-actualized perspective. It seems to be so. Wisdom erases karma, so yes, twin-flame soulmates are experiencing a karmic reward -- self-bestowed as the result of expanded awareness. Maybe they started out as karmic companions, or dharmic-bond soulmates, and went on to become more. I've already written several books about one-on-one relationships. Having established that I have not ignored the "straight and normal," I intend to focus upon some radical relationship and sexual ideas. Whose Model? The Religious Right wants us to look backward for a relationship model -- a "traditional value" Ozzie and Harriet lifestyle that never existed. But these ultra-conservatives don't want us to look too far back in history, because we'll find many models in our Pagan roots that are not acceptable today. But why aren't they acceptable? From a nonjudgmental, spiritual perspective, if no one is harmed, how can any combination of people sharing life and love be wrong? For those who aren't finding a "standard" relationship, why not consider alternatives? For those who are not comfortable with society's model, why not explore potentials that were once commonly accepted and which I believe will be again sometime in the near future? Alternative lifestyles threaten church and state, because they are "freeing." This means they have the potential to become generally accepted. Given a choice between equally acceptable alternatives, people will usually choose freedom. So the church/state must eliminate the counter-culture alternatives or make them unacceptable in the eyes of society. Free people can't be made to feel guilty and tithe, so the church/state loses control, which translates as loss of income that threatens the survival of the religious institution. If you have any doubt that church and state are in bed together, look at the current political climate. The Religious Right has helped elect politicians to protect its interests and pass laws to enforce its tenets. "Controversial Questions" Why don't you believe our spiritual goal is to repress sexuality and evolve to celibacy? A. Celibacy is demanded by most cults, and encouraged by many religions, so you think it is spiritual. These organizations know that sex is such a powerful force, it can not be successfully repressed. When followers fail to contain their sexuality, they feel guilty, which is just what the guru/priest wants. It is easier to control guilty people. When the followers continue to fail, they lose self-esteem. They accept that they are sinners and the guru or church becomes their only hope of redemption. A very successful ploy. You incarnated to let go of fear and raise your level of awareness by interacting harmoniously with physical reality. When you reject an aspect of physical reality (sex), you are not living life fully. Until you can live a life of total involvement, without experiencing fearful attachments, you'll continue to be tied to the earth. Repression is a fearful attachment we all experience. The problem with repression is it never goes away. It will always surface when you grow tired of resisting it. So, from the perspective of generating disharmonious karma, repression is worse than indulgence (as long as you are not harming anyone else through your indulgence), because you eventually get tired of what you indulge in. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh was considered the "sex guru" -- a teacher bold enough to go against the spiritual grain and encourage people to explore their sexuality (it was also great marketing). He felt his followers would move past their sexual obsessions faster through indulgence rather than through repression. Then they would be free to concentrate upon spirituality. The Pagan side of esoteric metaphysics teaches that to repress who you really are generates a vibrational energy that will have to be expressed -- if not in this life, in the next. When sexual energy is repressed, it becomes perverted or turns to anger, which is why armies have historically used forced abstinence to channel anger onto the battlefield. Q. I despised your answer (above). The idea isn't to repress your sexual drive. The idea is to transmute sexuality into a higher pursuit. A. Without repression, unless you're naturally asexual, it's about as likely to happen as transmuting lead into gold. Q. Obviously, from the permissive sexual attitudes reflected in your writings, you don't see homosexuality or sexual transgressions as sins. I'm curious. Do you see anything as sinful? A. The root meaning of the word "sin" is to miss the mark. That takes a little of the hellfire out of the concept, doesn't it? I think you're missing the mark if you purposely hurt other human beings, mentally or physically. I think you miss the mark when you sell or trade aliveness for survival. And I think you miss the mark when you manipulate someone for selfish purposes. In regard to homosexuality, I agree with actor Paul Newman, who says, "I'm a supporter of gay rights. And not a closet supporter, either. From the time I was a kid, I have never been able to understand attacks on the gay community. There are so many qualities that make up a human being ... by the time I get through with all the things that I really admire about people, what they do with their private parts is probably so low on the list that it is irrelevant." Bushido Training Concepts of morality have swung like a pendulum back and forth through history. In twelfth century England, to think of sex was considered a sin, even if you were married. The "missionary" position was the only acceptable coital position, and only for the purpose of begetting children. Sex was totally forbidden on Sundays, Wednesdays, Fridays and for forty days before Christmas or Easter. Any pleasure experienced from this regrettably necessary act of perpetuating the race was also considered a sin. Between A.D. 800 and A.D. 1000 in England, people experienced a much freer sexual morality. Celibacy was considered unhealthy, and extensive prostitution was supported by authorities. Public nudity was accepted at beaches and women were free to take lovers regardless of their marital status. Men were free to seduce women of lower rank and could seek the favors of women of equal or higher rank according to the customs of the day. The Inquisition was really a move by the Christian Church to eliminate a competitive and sexually-open religion -- Paganism. In ancient Sparta the public nudity of both young men and women was encouraged. Young people experienced considerable sexual freedom before marriage, as celibacy was considered a crime. It was acceptable for older men to "loan" their wives to relatives or friends for the purpose of bearing a child if the combination might result in a superior human specimen. In Greece, homosexuality was commonly accepted, and many regarded the love between two men to be the highest form of love. Grecian women received little education, with the exception of courtesans who were well educated to better serve as companions for the men. Courtesans had more freedom than any group of women in Greek society and were often very wealthy. There was no stigma attached to their profession and they were received in the highest circles. Is it surprising that we have the sexual confusion and problems that exist today? We are old souls who have lived many lives that have programmed us with conflicting ideas of morality. As the sum total of all our previous experiences, we have innate feelings about what is right and wrong for us. Depending upon your past programming, your current sexual orientation may or may not be compatible with our current society's mores. If sex is not the most important issue in your life, it is one of the top two or three. Problems come from repression in this area. You worry that maybe you're weird. You wonder if you're the only one that thinks this, or does that. And this lowers self-esteem and makes sex an issue. To show you just how predictable we all are, I've gathered some sexual facts from six highly-respected research studies -- all published in book form. Where percentages are provided, I've averaged the percentages from all the studies.
Now, from the researcher's reports, let's look at some of women's top ten sexual fantasies: Sex with a man she has not previously been involved with. Group sex. Sex with more than one man at the same time. From the list of men's top ten fantasies: Sex with a woman he has not previously been involved with. Sex with two or more women at the same time. His wife or lover having sex with another man. These are just some current facts about what is with sex. You're not abnormal. And you're not abnormal if none of these statistics or fantasies relate to you. It's time to stop judging yourself and others. There is no such thing as right or wrong, moral or immoral. There is only what we call moral and immoral at this moment in time. If the church or society agrees to call a particular practice immoral, that doesn't make it so. It is time to get off of your sexual stuckness and integrate any sexual repression you're experiencing. Then it's time to ask yourself, "Does what I do sexually work for me? Does it manifest love, health, happiness, aliveness and allow me full self-expression?" Bushido Seminar This is a process to explore your sexual beliefs, and to uncover any repressed beliefs that are not serving you. In the seminar training this group process is conducted in an altered state of consciousness, but it can be quite effective for a reader to mentally finish the following incomplete sentences. How you respond will expose your deep-seated beliefs. Read and respond instantly, the way you really feel. Do not consider how you "should" feel. Note if your response is positive or negative, and mentally flag those sentences that generate an emotional response. Sex is ... Sex should be ... When it comes to openly and honestly communicating my sexual desires to my partner, I ... Discussing sex makes me feel ... When I think about my sexual limitations, I ... When I masturbate, I feel ... If my primary sexual partner were to rate me as a lover on a scale of one to ten, I'd probably get a ... My heterosexual thoughts and fantasies make me feel ... My homosexual thoughts and fantasies make me feel ... When I think about what I do sexually, I feel ... When I think about my sexual past, I feel ... Someone said that other people, the church and society inflict their sexual beliefs on you, and you accept them. I think the person who said this is ... NOTE: The next sentences refer to sexual practices that are not necessarily approved of by society. Some people enhance their lives with exhibitionism, bondage, consensual non-monogamy, group sex, polyfidelity, or other forms of sexual adventure. When I think of participating in this kind of sexual activity, I feel ... When I think about allowing my mate or lover to participate in this kind of sexual adventure, I feel ... The thought of my mate or lover having an affair makes me feel ... When I think about experiencing gay sex, I feel ... When I think about experiencing heterosexual intercourse, I feel ... The idea of my mate or lover having gay sex makes me feel ... The idea of my mate or lover having heterosexual intercourse makes me feel ... If I could do anything I wanted sexually, without worrying about what anyone else thought, I would like to ... If I were to measure the level of my sexual openness on a scale of one to ten, I'd have to rate myself as a ... If I were to compare how open I am sexually to the quality of my sex life, I would have to conclude ... * * * * * Some participating in this process don't get enough sex. Others get more than they want. Some are frustrated because of unfulfilled desires. Some are feeling guilty about what they do sexually, or what they've done in the past. Some are afraid to do what they really want to do. Some are shocked by their desires. Some feel unnecessarily guilty. Some need to find love. Some can't reconcile spirituality with sexuality. Whatever your situation, it can be traced back to your beliefs ... beliefs that were programmed as the result of past experiences. Even if an improvement in your sex life depends upon someone else changing, it is your karma or you wouldn't find yourself in the situation. In other words, there is a karmic-belief block that you've set into motion for the learning opportunity it provides. Sometimes these blocks are to balance past deeds, and sometimes they reflect false guilt or false-fear karma that is easily overcome once it is recognized. NOTE: In the seminar training the participants are hypnotically regressed at this point: "In just a moment you're going to regress back to your past in this life, or a past life, to find the cause of the sexual situation you'd most like to explore. If you have deep-seated beliefs about sexuality that are working against you, what are they? Consider the primary belief that may not be serving you, and in just a moment I'll regress you back to the situation that set it into effect." * * * * * Following the hypnotic regression, I ask the participants to share what they experienced in the process and to ask questions. Those desiring to release repressed fears by sharing their sexual secrets are invited to do so. This is always a cathartic experience for everyone in the seminar room. Follow-up Dialogues "I have great sex with my husband, but when I masturbate, I always fantasize about doing it with a big black man. I don't even know any black men, so it's kind of strange why this turns me on the way it does," Mary said, stroking her fingers through her long blonde hair. She was in her late twenties or early thirties and dressed like she'd just stepped out of the pages of Elle magazine. "What was the cause?" I asked. "I was a black woman, married to a big black man in San Francisco around the turn of the century, I think. We lived in a little apartment over a store. My most vivid impression was of him coming home and me waiting in bed. He was dressed fancy, like he worked some place that required him to dress up. I just laid there watching him undress while he stared into my eyes ... smiling. Wow!" 2. "When I start to have an orgasm, I panic," said Beth, a demure-looking woman in her forties. "I'd like to be able to scream with joy, but instead, I bite my tongue to keep from expressing anything. My husband doesn't even know when ..." She smiled shyly, looked at the floor. "You're in a safe environment to discuss it, Beth. Maybe it will help to integrate the fear." She nodded and said, "In regression, I only saw one scene, but it was very vivid. I was a male with long black hair, and I was sneaking into a tiny room illuminated by something burning in a dish of tallow. The walls were plastered in mud and my lover lay on a bed of animal skins. She welcomed me with open arms, and we immediately began to make love. I think we made too much noise, because men came rushing into the room, grabbed me and dragged me outside. Naked, they tied me to a tree, and the girl's father lit a torch. They made her watch. When she screamed, one of the men held his hand over her mouth. Her father placed the burning torch beneath my genitals." Beth's voice quivered. "As you instructed, there was no pain, but my emotional reaction, I counted myself up out of hypnosis." "False-fear karma, Beth. Your subconscious mind is programmed to believe if you make noise during sex, you'll be punished. Explain this to your husband, and then confront the fear by making loud passionate love. Once your subconscious realizes you won't be punished, it will probably get over it." "But this seemed to be in ancient times. I've had other regressions, and I know I've lived many lifetimes between then and now. Why would I have to have waited so long to confront this?" "Karma doesn't necessarily unfold in sequential time. Each incarnation offers an opportunity to best confront particular programming. Sometimes you wait until all the key players can reunite. And I've seen effects like this that carried over from lifetime to lifetime. You may not have openly expressed during sex for many incarnations. Cause and effect works in many ways. As an example, in a following male incarnation, the fearful punishment could have resulted in impotence." Beth nodded. "The father in that past life could be someone in my present life?" "Maybe? You could find out in hypnosis." "It probably explains the relationship between my husband and my step-father." 3. "I'm gay and I have a lot of lovers. After that process, I don't feel so guilty about it," said Scott, a casually dressed young man. "Some people use concepts such as freedom and openness as rationals for failure to relate wholly to anyone else. If that's what you're doing, Scott, it isn't working." "Oh," he said, sitting down. 4. "My marriage is a menage a trois," said Jonathan, a well-dressed man I guessed to be in his mid-forties. "For eleven years, I've lived with a woman and another man. David and I are bisexual, Debbie is straight. So we each have two lovers. It's always seemed so natural." "Is it a good marriage?" I asked. Jonathan laughed. "I don't know how it could be better. We all love and support each other. Two male incomes give us plenty of money. Debbie stays home with the children. She had one child by David and one by me. The only external problems our marriage has created are with the teachers at the children's school. Of course, the IRS refuses to recognize our union." He paused. "Anyway, I wanted to know why it felt so natural to live a lifestyle so alien to what society accepts. In regression, I experienced a society where multimate marriages seemed to be the order of the day. We all wore togas. The buildings were white, open, and it was warm. Maybe Atlantis or a country on the Mediterranean." He shrugged. "It was a happy, loving, open society. I was a female living with three other females and two males. I guess you'd call it polyfidelity today." 5. "I have a hard time reconciling religion and an open sexual attitude," said Lorraine, a woman in her late thirties. "Whose religion?" I said. "All the major religions seem to repress sexuality." "The Pagan religions -- Celtic Druidism, Asatra and Wicca have existed far longer than Christianity, and have few sexual taboos. They believe it is wrong to have sex with someone who is in a monogamous relationship, or to cause unwanted pregnancy or spread sexual disease. But even sex outside of a committed relationship is acceptable if it fulfills the Pagan ethic of 'An it harm none, do as you will.' I continued, "In Zen Buddhism, sex is included in the 'Three Pillars of Dharma' under Moral Restraint and is explained as refraining from actions of sensuality which cause pain and harm to others, or turbulence or disturbance in ourselves. "Adultery is one of the precepts in the Six Paramitas of the Bodhisattva. It is explained as meaning that the person having sex with another must consider his own happiness, that of his companion and of the third person who will be most affected by his action. If these three concerned people can be satisfied, then the sex act comes under natural law and is completely acceptable." "I would like to think that way," Lorraine said. "In this life at age ten, my mother caught me masturbating, and she took me to the parish priest who made me do penance. From then on, when I attended mass and he looked at me, I knew he was thinking about it. It's why I rejected the church when I went to college." "You know now that masturbating wasn't wrong. Accept that your beliefs have been programmed by a church whose teachings you no longer accept." She nodded. "Accept karmic responsibility, and let go of the blame and guilt. In daily meditation, say, `I know the cause of my sexual viewpoint and I release the effect.' Chant it as a mantra. Then forgive yourself, and forgive your mother, and the priest, and the church. Send them all white light and let go. Also, fully explore your emotions and beliefs about sex, and about who you are and what you want. Awareness can lead to liberation." 6. "A sexually open attitude is one thing, but polyfidelity just isn't acceptable," said Diane, a stocky woman in her forties. She held one hand on her hip as she spoke. "Study history, and you'll find that polygamy has often been more common than monogamy. But I'm concerned with the present. Nearly half the people who read my magazine and attend my seminars are single; many are looking for and not finding the right mate. Others are unhappily married. Then consider the divorce rate and the number of single parents. Relationships and family units are destined to take many different forms as we move into the next century." 7. "In a time of AIDS, endorsing multimate relationships is absolutely irresponsible," said Frank, Diane's husband. "Statistically, AIDS has not significantly altered the bedding habits of singles, nor have married people ceased having affairs. For some of these people, pledging monogamy to a safe group might be the most responsible consideration." "But you're arguing that it's more desirable to be non-monogamous." "No, Frank. I support the right for everyone to choose what works best for them. Remove the stigma and labels. Monogamy is okay. Consensual non-monogamy is okay. Polyfidelity is okay. Triads are okay. All equally okay." Monogamy A monogamous marriage is obviously the relationship choice of the majority of the population. If monogamy works for you, I can see no reason to explore alternatives that might alter the existing dynamic. The following quotes and excerpts are not intended to demean monogamy, but to share some alternative ideas and approaches to relationships. W. Brugh Joy, M.D. is a spiritual teacher, who wrote Joy's Way -- A Map for the Transformational Journey. The book changed hundreds of thousands of lives. A decade later, he wrote Avalanche, chronicling his spiritual evolution and exploring many aspects of life, including monogamy: "... I have come to doubt that the human being is intrinsically monogamous. Monogamy feels to me like an ideal superimposed on reality or a defense against forces beyond the control of the rational and intellectual selves. Ample evidence exists that the human being functions very well in polygamous social settings. In societies such as those in Italy, which have withdrawn civil sanctions against divorce, multiple sexual relationships are freely explored. Of course, these relationships were going on all the time anyway. Our mouths, under the control of the mind, say one thing while our bodies go right ahead and live the suchness of life." In the book, Words From A Man Of No Words, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh said, "Why be confined to one love? Why force yourself to be confined to one love? -- because nature does not intend it so. "Nature intends you to know love in as many ways as possible, because what you can know from one woman you cannot know from another woman. What you can know and experience from one man will not be experienced with another man. "Each love is unique. "There is no competition. "There is no quarrel." Multimate Relationships In her book, Love Without Limits, Dr. Deborah Anapol explores responsible non-monogamy and the quest for sustainable intimate relationships, by offering relationship models which replace the destructive marriage-divorce-remarriage cycle with ethical and responsible multipartner relating. Historically and cross-culturally, nonmonogamy has not been the only legitimate choice, and it's likely that we're doing irreparable damage to our human ecosystems by trying to force all sexualoving relationships into the monogamous mold. Dr. Anapol convincingly maintains that instead, we would be better off determining when and for whom nonmonogamy is appropriate and then embracing it fully, openly and honestly. "Our exclusive monogamous culture enshrines jealousy and possessiveness. Instead of working to eliminate jealousy and possessiveness so that people can freely choose how they will mate, our civilization tends to establish cultural and moral barriers that eliminate legitimate alternatives," says Deborah. Types of Alternative Relationships Primary relationship: Lovers who are in a long-term, committed, marriage-type relationship are primary partners. Usually primary partners live together and share finances, parenting and decision-making. Primary partners are not necessarily legally married, but they are bonded together as a family. Secondary relationship: Secondary partners may also have a long-term committed sexualoving relationship. But usually they live separately, have separate finances and see themselves as close friends rather than immediate family. Secondary partners may take on roles in each other's families similar to those of aunts and uncles in an extended family of blood relations. Tertiary relationship: Lovers who spend time together only once in a while or for a brief time. Their contact may be very intimate, but they are not an important part of each other's day-to-day life. Responsible nonmonogamy can be practiced by any number of partners in any combination of primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships. The diversity of form automatically creates a social environment different from our familiar homogeneous, avowedly monogamous culture. And this diversity of form challenges us to develop ethical guidelines which apply to the quality rather than the form of the relationship. Forms of Responsible Nonmonogamy Open marriage or open relationship: These are both non-exclusive couple relationships, the only difference being whether the couple is married or not. In this scenario, the partners have agreed that each can have outside sexualoving partners. A wide variety of ground rules and restrictions may apply. Intimate network: This is a love style in which several ongoing secondary relationships coexist. Sometimes all members of the group eventually become lovers. Sometimes individuals have only two or three partners within the group. The group can include singles only, couples only, or a mixture of both. Another way to describe it would be as a circle of sexualoving friends. Group marriage or multilateral marriage: These are both committed, long-term, primary relationships which include three or more adults in a marriage-like relationship. A group marriage can be open or closed to outside sexual partners. Triad: Three sexualoving partners who may all be secondary, all be primary, or two may be primary with a third secondary. It can be open or closed. A triad can be heterosexual or homosexual, it is often the choice of two same-sex bisexuals and an opposite-sex heterosexual. (NOTE: For information on Love Without Limits and Deborah’s work, see the Selected Biography.) The Setting Free In the end, for any kind of a relationship to be free, all partners must maintain their integrity and individuality while, through their union, increase the potential to be all they can be. On the last page of You Were Born Again To Be Together, I said, "Being totally idealistic, what would 'real love' be like? To begin with, it could not be diminished by anything the other person said or did. Your love would not be dependent upon being loved. You would give freely, without any expectation of return. In an environment of "real love," you would allow total freedom to your mate, expecting no more than the other could give. You would love for what the other was. You would not expect your mate to change, to be something he or she was not. You would find joy in the other's happiness. To 'really love' someone, you need to be complete within yourself, and without fear. You will then find joy in the positive aspects of your relationship and allow the negatives to simply flow through you, without affecting you." * * * * * In an attempt to attain this ideal level of love, here are a few tenets to illuminate the path: RESPECT DIFFERENCES: You and your partner(s) have different needs, motivations, goals, and dreams. Treasure each other's uniqueness and accept each other as you are without expectations of change. TRUST: To trust others, you must trust yourself. When you can trust without expectations, you integrate your fears. In any relationship, trust is built one encounter at a time as the result of keeping agreements. COMMITMENT: Totally commit to your relationship -- mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and financially. Withholding reflects doubts that will undermine the foundation of your union. COMPASSION: Provide comfort to each other in the midst of worldly concerns. Be friends as well as lovers and let your union be a refuge of balance and harmony. In showing compassion, don't sacrifice yourself for it will create resentment. Know that whatever you do for others you really do for yourself. Then do it anyway. DETACHMENT: Let the little things go. Before reacting negatively, ask yourself, "Does it really matter or am I just acting out of a need to be right?" COMMUNICATION: Openly communicate and share yourself. The greatest gift you can give each other is to be all of who you are. Be willing to discuss needs and compromise solutions. LISTEN: Listen to each other and be willing to appreciate the other's position even when you don't agree. Also, learn to hear what isn't being said -- what your partner(s) is feeling and needing. Know what you need, ask for it directly, and make it all right for your partner(s) to say no. TIME: Always make time for each other. Shared activities are the building blocks of a good relationship (activities in addition to sex and watching TV). Remember too, everyone needs time alone. TRANSCEND ANGER: Release anger by saying to yourself, "I am angry because I didn't get what I want. I had expectations of approval or control, and this isn't my right." SPIRITUALITY: Encourage each other to evolve spiritually by helping each other to integrate fear-based emotions. Through expanded awareness you can transcend the darkness and attain peace of mind. Copyright 1998 by Dick Sutphen, Malibu CA
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