Relationships Do Not Work

My communications are a combination of grounded metaphysics and street-wise Zen, so study of both subjects is an ongoing quest. On the Zen side, Charlotte Joko Beck is a favorite teacher from the Zen Center in San Diego, CA. In her book “Everyday Zen” she claims relationships do not work. “There never was a relationship that worked,” she says.

Why? Because with any relationship we want something. There are expectations -- some subtle, some not-so subtle. We try to figure out our relationships -- try to find a way to make them work so we can get what we want. The problem is “wanting something” and the resulting expectations. Even to avoid a relationship is to want something, so conflict is built into the equation.

Beck says,  “... we often misinterpret what marriage is about. When a relationship isn’t working, it means that the partners are preoccupied with ‘I’: ‘What I want is ....’ or ‘This isn’t right for me.’ If there is little wanting, then the relationship is strong and it will function. That’s all life is interested in. As a separate ego with your separate desires, you are of no importance to life. And all weak relationships reflect the fact that somebody wants something for himself or herself.”

Beck uses a house analogy to make a point about rigidity in marriage and life. There are new designs for beach-front houses that protect the structure from the occasional big storms which flood such residences. In the new designs, when flooded, the middle of the house collapses and the water, instead of destroying the whole house, rushes through the middle and leaves the structure standing.

Flexibly structured relationships function in much the same way, allowing them to absorb shocks and stresses and continue to function. When a relationship is based primarily on “I want” or “I demand,” the structure is rigid and will be unable to withstand the pressures of life.

Life will test all relationships like a strong wind beating at the union. If the relationship can’t take the beating, then it will have to grow stronger so it can take it, or the couple will be forced to part so that something new has an opportunity to arise from the ashes. From a soul-level perspective, whether the relationship survives isn’t as important as the karmic lessons learned by the two individuals.

Relationships offer abundant gifts in the form of opportunities to learn, although the lessons may not feel like a gift during times of testing. But that’s what we’re here to experience. We incarnated to learn about the futility of expectations and to rise above all the fear-based emotions, including those fears that cause us to want to control those closest to us. Even your ideals are expectations in disguise. When you’re attached to the way you think someone else should be, you’ll be unable to appreciate life as it is.

In my “Soulmate Workshop,” I point out that strong relationships are ones in which two people 1) express love and compassion, 2) grant each other freedom,  3) have few expectations of each other, and 4) commit to each other (commitment is the essence of love).

A weak relationship always mirrors someone wanting their lover to be the way they want them to be -- someone wanting control.

So if you’re experiencing a relationship conflict, or the next time you find yourself in a relationship conflict, here are some key questions to ask yourself:

• “Am I seeking my lover’s approval or am I trying to control him/her?”
   
• “Am I being rigid?”
   
• “Am I learning the lessons this conflict is generating?”
   
• “What do I need to do to detach from the conflict without detaching from the relationship?”

Simply by asking yourself the questions, you’ll be taking a major step toward resolving the conflict.

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