How Do I Love Thee?

Lauren Leigh Meyer was 22 years old, and the editor of Colorado Outdoor magazine when she introduced herself during a break in a Denver seminar. She handed me a resume and said, “I want to work for you.” We talked. She was highly intelligent, spunky and sure of herself. I hired her on the spot. She became my best friend, and we worked together in the seminars, and on research and writing projects. She became a hypnotist so she could help me do past-life research. Once she had “hands-on” regression experience, we co-wrote Past-Life Therapy In Action.

Lauren died of breast cancer in 1993. And I continue to miss her. In recently going through some of her writings, I came across one of her editorials that I’ve condensed to share as part of this column:

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When Elizabeth Barrett Browning wrote in her famous love poem to her husband, “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways ...” she must have been the last of a dying breed of true romantics. Today, one lover is more likely to say to the other, “Why do I love thee? Let me count the reasons ...” And then they might begin, in a perfectly self-actualized manner, to analyze all the reasons why they love their lover. “I love you because you’re attractive and intelligent and ambitious and talented and sensitive,” etc., etc., etc. You have the idea.

Meanwhile, the lover who is listening to this supposedly flattering list of features is actually concentrating intensely to memorize all of the characteristics he or she is supposed to represent. I say represent because none of us are attractive and intelligent and ambitious and talented and sensitive all the time.

Yet those characteristics our lover has bestowed upon us sound an awful lot like conditions. The questions hovering in the back of our survival-oriented subconscious is, “If my lover loves me because I’m attractive and intelligent, etc., will my lover love me during those times when I’m not?” The answer, all too often, is no. It’s amazing how differently we love our lovers than we love the other people in our lives.

We’re often more tolerant of friends and family than we are of our lovers. The point is, if we can handle idiosyncrasies and occasionally strange behavior with our friends, we can handle it with our lovers. It’s strictly a matter of perspective.

Just as an experiment, why not try loving your lover for an entire week without any conditions, judgments or criticisms? When they display behaviors that you normally would grit your teeth over and tolerate, see how it feels to try on warmth and acceptance. (Cherishing might be too much to ask at this point.) Give them a whole week of unconditional love and see if they don’t blossom and open up in the safe space you’ve created.

Now it may not work. They may interpret acceptance as indifference and needle you for your old responses. In which case that’s just what they do. But if it does work (and I have a hunch it will), then perhaps the answer to the question, “Why do I love thee?” might be, “Because I love thee.”

Lauren / Fall 1980

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Dick Sutphen adds: Having written so much on the subject of soulmates, I believe I have a good understanding of unconditional love. But just when I think I have this level of acceptance handled, I usually end up encountering a new test. This always causes me to review my belief system in an attempt to reconcile the new circumstances. Sometimes it can be quite a struggle. In other words, I teach best what I most need to learn.

I define unconditional love as accepting another person as they are, without judgment, expectations, blame, or attempting control, while also expressing compassion in an appropriate way. Forgiveness is a factor, but if you’ve totally accepted, there really isn’t anything to forgive. If the other person is your mate or lover, then you have to combine the above with the intense emotions of heart-felt love. This may make unconditional acceptance easier or more difficult, depending upon your level of awareness.

According to a survey of psychologists, there are four primary relationship killers: Criticism, Contempt, Being Defensive and Withdrawal. What the survey didn’t point out is that all four amount to trying to control your lover. The opposite of control is trust.

Let’s put this into it’s proper context: 1) We’re never really in control of our lives. External factors can always alter the best laid plans. 2) Karma and predestination play a key role. 3) When we try to control our relationships, we cling and grasp and end up pushing our partner away. 4) Fear keeps us from fully committing to a relationship. Full commitment is the essence of love.

If I had to summarize my years of research, I would say a strong relationship is one in which two people 1) openly express love and compassion, 2) grant each other freedom, 3) have few expectations of each other (this point is often experienced as one partner picking up the slack when the other isn’t handling a responsibility), 4) share values and have similar attitudes about togetherness, sex, money and child rearing.

A weak relationship always mirrors someone wanting their lover to be the way they want them to be. They want to control.

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The following Dick Sutphen CDs relate to relationship programming: “Find Your Soulmate 74-Minute Course” (RB102). “Attract Your Soulmate”(CDSG110). “Attracting Perfect Love” (CDRX102). “Love Myself” (CDRX122). “Charisma” (CDRX134). “Forgive & Release” (CDRX145). “Sensational Sex” (CDRX152). “The 25 Best Ways to Improve Your Love Life” (E107). “Tomorrow Is A New Beginning Sleep Programming” (CD1104). “Charisma/Attract Love Sleep Programming” (CD1121). “Sexual Aliveness”--Probe 7 (CDP104).  “I Accept Sleep Programming” by Dick & Tara (CD1125). BOOKS: “You Were Born Again To Be Together” (B904). “Predestined Love” (B940).

Astrology charts and special computerized charts and reports to help you create your own reality are available by clicking here.

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