The Level of Conflict

In her book, Together: A Relationship Survival Kit, Virginia Downie claims conflicts in a relationship are natural and unavoidable. People are different and will never agree on everything. Since no one feels happy and loving all the time, how can we expect our relationships to be harmonious all the time?

Downie says, “You have known couples, for instance, who swore they ‘never fought or disagree,’ who seemed to be a perfect and enviable match but who ‘suddenly’ break up. You also know couples who seem to fight constantly, who, nevertheless, make it to the 50th anniversary seeming ‘non-the-worse-for-wear.’

“Why would this happen? Well, couple number one (who did not fight) was also not dealing with their differences, hurts, and disappointments, while couple number two (who often seemed perched at the edge of disaster) was actually working through their problems and challenges.”

You can’t measure a relationship by the level of conflict. What’s important is how the conflict is being handled.

The author goes on to provide a “nondefensive” self check list, such as asking for more information when your partner is upset, being accountable for your own mistakes, not giving in to avoid accountability and conflict. Et cetera.

But I’ve seen cases where one partner is not willing to openly discuss their differences, hurts and disappointments. They repress them for years. Repression is like standing on a life raft to hold it under water. Eventually you’re going to get tired of holding it down and the raft will surface. The person’s mate will probably be surprised and confused by this eruption of frustration. “Why didn’t you tell me that bothered you so much?” they’ll say.

If you’re the person who is repressing or the mate of someone you suspect is repressing, I suggest you turn to a good astrologer. Eruptions of frustration can usually be found in planetary cycles.

Some Saturn oppositions can indicate a mid-life crisis, a time you can be assured the repressed stuff will surface. Pluto hits can turn your life upside down. Knowing your astrological challenges can provide forewarning. The awareness in itself won’t resolve anything, but you’ll learn what you’re dealing with, how long it’s going to last and how both parties are likely to be effected.

Times of conflict are times for patience and compassion, as I’ve often talked about in this column. Realize that whenever you’re upset with someone else, you have expectations of approval or control -- of the other person approving of your actions or reactions, or of controlling their actions or reactions. In other words, your expectations are in conflict with what is.

When conflict arises, become an observer of your life. No judgment, blame or expectations. Just observe. What is, is your partner is venting, growing, trying to become who they need to be. Granted, you can’t repress your own feelings, but ideally, because you understand what is, you can view the problem situation from a more self-actualized perspective. If your partner generates anger in you, refuse to identify with the anger. The anger is not you, it’s your ego -- your fear -- your past programming.

Easier said than done? For sure. But if you view such challenges as karmic tests, winning the game is far more important than getting to be right.

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A column subscriber recently wrote to say she was going to experience surgery in mid-March. She asked for mind programming suggestions. Here is the response from staff advisor Karen Bell: “First I would advise you use Dick’s Pro-Hypnosis CD titled “Pre-Surgery: Calm & Confident.” Lie down and listen to the hypnosis track once a day. Listen to the sleep programming as you go to sleep. Listen to and repeat the words on the self-talk track whenever you have a spare moment, or even while driving. If you do this for two weeks, you’ll be programmed prior to surgery. After surgery I suggest you use “After-Surgery: Rapid Recovery” just as the first CD was used.

“You may also want to play a program such as the “Healing Zapper” softly in the background while you’re doing other things such as working on your computer. If you’d prefer not to hear the audible suggestions, the RX17 title, “Healing Force,” track 2 offers subliminal healing suggestions embedded in soothing New Age music. These can be played anywhere. The suggestions on these programs can be read at our website. Good luck. I’m sending you light.”

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