Fully Experience Your Feelings

Self-actualization is a matter of accepting others without judgment, blame, expectations or attempted control. Learning to fully experience your feelings, especially challenging feelings, is part of the self-actualization process. In so doing, you learn about yourself.

Let’s say you find yourself in an uncomfortable group situation. You can do one of three things: 1) You can escape -- physically leave, 2) You can stay, but tune-out and count the minutes until it’s over, 3) You can remain in the environment and consciously experience your emotional responses.

Tara and I were recently invited to a birthday party a female friend put on for her fiancé. “It’s going to be in an LA dance studio below the 10 (freeway),” Tara said. “An African dance lesson.”

I looked at my wife blankly.  Tara nodded.

“I’d really like you to go with me, especially considering the location,” Tara said. The studio was in an area best avoided at night. I decided to attend, because I like these friends, and to protect Tara, but I dreaded the idea of a dance lesson.

To make a long story short, I was one of four men in attendance. A couple dozen aerobic-toned women were obviously delighted to be part of this unique party. The African teacher was seven feet tall. He demonstrated complicated moves, spun around, stomped his feet, twisted, turned and uttered guttural sounds. Three drummers provided cool live musical accompaniment. Almost everyone participated and replicated the teacher’s moves. How they could do this amazed me. I knew I’d be lost after one twist, thump and grunt. Tara attends weekly aerobic classes and had no trouble following. Some of the women, including our hostess, were professional dancers.

I ducked out and explored the many studios in the building. A tango class was interesting for a while. But not feeling right about leaving the birthday party, I wandered back and decided to experience my feelings while observing the lesson. Doing this can be enlightening or disturbing, depending upon what bubbles up from the dark corners of your mind.

The teacher would stomp forward, aggressively, as if a warrior going into battle. I thought about the fear British soldiers must have experienced in the Anglo-Zulu War (1879) when confronting thousands of giants like this. Why did that come up? Obviously fear. I knew I couldn’t keep up in this class. Was I fearful of making a fool of myself?

The self-actualized response would have been to be afraid and dance anyway. “This just isn’t the sort of thing I do,” I told myself. The self-processing went on and on. I recalled being in kindergarten at age five. Everyone was to dance with a teddy bear. “I’m not dancing with a teddy bear,” I decided.

The other children danced. Finally, the teacher said, “Everyone who has danced with the teddy bear, stand up.” I wasn’t going to lie. I sat on the floor, surrounded by dozens of legs. Being in the middle of the group, the teacher didn’t notice me. The vivid memory connected the dots all the way to here and now.

Resistance? To what? Making a fool of myself on the dance floor? Why? Maybe it amounted to making a fool of myself, period. Too much pride? That sucks! “What you resist persists,” I thought. “Bullshit,“ I decided. There is a part of me that embraces the philosophy of Ayn Rand: Your highest moral purpose is the pursuit of your own rational self-interest and happiness. African dancing was not going to contribute to my happiness, but keeping my wife safe and celebrating a friend’s birthday did contribute to my happiness. “You’re thinking too much,” I told myself.

Beautiful females gone tribal provided therapeutic distraction.

After the hour-long class, we had cake and champagne. Tara was tired from the exercise. I was exhausted from mental processing. By the time we returned home, I wasn’t so sure I had learned more about myself as a result of fully experiencing my feelings. But I decided that one day I’m probably going to have to make a fool of myself on the dance floor.

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At the www.dicksutphen.com website, someone asked for suggested mind programming to help eliminate anxiety. This was Karen Bell’s response: We suggest that you work with “A Calm & Peaceful Mind” -- CDRX103. Track 1 is hypnosis, use it daily. Track 2 is subliminal suggestions hidden behind soothing music. You can listen anywhere including while you drive. Listen often.

If you would like to vary the programming, we also suggest you work with “Feel Secure Now” -- CDRX119. This is the same format. The CDs are $20 each, but if you buy two you get one free. The “Healing Zapper” -- RBZ101 might be a good third-title choice. Sample suggestions: “Mind manifests miracles. Your mind searches out the cause and mind heals.” You can listen while doing other things sitting down (not driving). Simply play the CD softly in the background.

I hope this helps. Best, Karen

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