Detached Mind or Denial?

Over lunch with a friend, I shared a case history of ongoing conflict between a man and his wife. “But by developing detached mind he’s accepting what he can’t change,” I said.

She looked me in the eyes and said, “How can you tell if it’s detachment or denial?”

Before providing an answer, let me share some background: Attached Mind is when your state of mind fluctuates from positive to negative as outside conditions change. Detached Mind is when your state of mind fluctuates only from positive to neutral as outside conditions change. You accept all the warmth and joy in life while detaching from the negativity by allowing it to flow through you without affecting you. To develop detached mind, you first must learn to accept what is (what cannot be changed), and to understand that resistance only makes matters worse by generating more negative programming that will have to be balanced.

It is a lot easier said than done, but with practice and the assistance of altered-state mind programming, you get pretty good at it.

In the situation I was describing over lunch, my client was a male who had been married 16 years when his wife decided that she wanted an open relationship. They would both have the right to be sexually involved with others, while maintaining their core relationship. She wanted it. He didn’t. She had another man in mind when she decided to renegotiate the marriage contract.

Buddha said, “It is your resistance to what is that causes your suffering.” In theory, if my client were to have simply stopped resisting the lifestyle his wife desired, the conflict would have come to an end. But that’s just too simplistic an answer to be applied to such a situation. And what is, is the wife insisted on living this lifestyle, no matter what the outcome of the marriage.

Since she was unwilling to compromise, he had to make a choice between going along with her or separating. If he went along, he might adapt to the idea and come to enjoy this new-found freedom. If he separated, the marriage would probably unravel and he would be dating others anyway. So he decided to go along and become an observer of his unfolding life. All the while, he used mind-programming to help him detach. After a few months of off-and-on resistance, he began to let it go. He felt he had finally reached a level of detached mind.

Back to my friend’s question: Is the husband’s mental state detached mind ... or is it denial ... or is it repression? Denial is a conscious defense mechanism to avoid dealing with a painful reality. Repression is the unconscious exclusion of a painful situation or fear from the conscious mind.

Imagine yourself in the situation: Let’s say you claim to be enjoying the lifestyle, but feelings of resentment or anger surface when you least expect it. You’re probably in denial.

But if you’re experiencing unexplained nervousness or anxiety ... or if you’re finding that you’re impatient with your children, or friends or associates ... or if you’re experiencing physical/emotional symptoms, you’re probably repressing.

And you could be in denial and repressing at the same time.

If you’re in denial and/or repressing, you need to face your feelings and decide what you want and how you’re capable of reacting. Then you have three ways to respond: 1) You accept what is and go along with the new lifestyle, knowing that there will be a price to pay and conflicts to come. As examples, you may unconsciously begin to plot revenge, or you may experience physical problems resulting from repressing. 2) You work at detachment with mind programming. You also attempt to process through the mental turmoil, which could be a herculean task to manage on your own. Consider professional counseling help. 3) You decide to leave (maybe a trial separation). Sometimes the only way to be responsible to yourself is to remove yourself from the environment you find yourself within.

(I’ll talk more about this and share a behavior-modification detachment technique in next week’s column.)

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The following Dick Sutphen books and CDs relate to this week’s column: Professional Hypnosis CD: “Relationship Stress” PH108 / “Let Go & Let God” -- PH202 / Zapper with Specific Mind-Programming: “Detach From An Ending Relationship -- RBZ115 / “Zen Zapper” -- RBZ108 / Sleep Programming CDs: “Find Your Answers In Your Dreams” CD1118 / “Reinventing Yourself” -- CD1101 / “ Tomorrow Is A New Beginning” -- CD1104 / Course: “Zen Liberation 74-Minute Course” RB105 / Video Hypnosis: “Master of Life” VHS105 / “Zen Attitude” VHS151 / “Love & Believe In Yourself” VHS117 / RX17 Audio CDs: “Take Control of Your Life” CDRX109 / “Feel Secure Now” CDRX119 / “Decide Exactly What You Want” CDRX123 / “Positive Thinking” CDRX148 / Books: “Reinventing Yourself -- A Metaphysical Self-Renewal System” -- 180 pages -- B927 -- $9.98. / “Enlightenment Transcripts -- The Master of Life Spiritual Potential Principles In Fast-Reading Dialogues” -- 128 pages -- B923 -- $3.98. / “Radical Spirituality” -- B938 -- $12.00 / Tapes: “Self-Mastery Course (Nightingale Conant multi-tape album -- NC102 -- $99.95 / See over 300 mind-programming tapes and CDs at www.dicksutphen.com and www.sutphenpublishing.com

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