From the last page of my 1976 book, "You Were Born Again To Be Together."
Question: "Being totally idealistic, what would 'real love' be like?
"To begin with, it could not be diminished by anything the other person said or did. Your love would not be dependent upon being loved. You would give freely, without any expectation of return. In an environment of 'real love,' you would allow total freedom to your mate, expecting no more than the other could give. You would love for what the other was You would not expect your mate to change, to be something he or she was not. You would find joy in the other's happiness. To really love someone, you need to be complete within yourself, and without fear. You then will find joy in the positive aspects of your relationship and allow the negatives to simply flow past you, without affecting you.
"Most of us are far from attaining true love. Even if we believe in it, it is sometimes hard to live it. But what a beautiful relationship this involved-detachment would be. By accepting and granting freedom, not out of indifference but out of tenderness and caring, a couple can overcome karma and evolve beyond the level of problems. Since you would no longer be affected by the problems, you would no longer have the problems. Karma would be balanced, and your own wisdom would have erased the need for further learning.
"If fear is the problem, love is the answer. Universal love. The goal of everyone now living upon the earth is to rise above fear and learn love. Most are unaware of this fact, but it is the reason we are reborn, over and over. We all subconsciously seek love, and love's perfection. If we cannot remember what we have forgotten, we will be given another chance to find it, when we are together again."
Zen would have you show up and allow life to take you where life wants to take you, without you writing a script.
I am not at this point in my evolution. I still prefer to work at creating my own reality to the degree I am able within the context of my life plan. But I am always working to be more Zen in the way I live my life. When it comes to drama, I refuse to attach to the emotions and tend to simply observe how life turns out. Over time, I’ve gotten better at this, especially in regard to having no agenda with other people.
This is in contrast to being motivated by ego to generate an outcome--to impress, or seduce or accomplish. The “Second Noble Truth” says life includes suffering because of our attachment to something being different than it is ... or someone being different than they are.
When we are stuck on “shoulds” and “if onlies,” they block our ability to accept “what is.”
To become aware of your attachments, simply notice your reaction when something does not go your way, or if someone is not the way you want them to be. If you become upset in any way, it means you are attached to that person being different than they are. This is your ego-judging mind at work.
When you rise above ego, you are said to be “in beginner’s mind,” and you let go of your conditioned reactions to push and control. In my seminars, I have always explained this as attaining harmony between our two selves. We all have an “ego-self” (constantly active, thinking and judging) and a “natural-self.” Harmony between these two selves only exists when your mind is quiet. With a quiet beginner’s mind, you don’t try, you just do, and as a result you will perform best in your work, your sport, and even in perceiving psychic impressions.
The Zen term “muga” means an attitude of action in which you do not feel that “I am doing it.” You cease to calculate or dwell upon winning or losing. You simply do your best, responding to an inner direction which carries you effortlessly through the experience.
Letting go of attachment to outcomes is a major step toward transcending ego and attaining a quiet beginner’s mind. “Having a beginner’s mind allows us to develop parts of ourselves we never dreamed we had, like waking up a sleeping giant within,” says Charlotte Kasl, Ph.D.